Monday, May 13, 2013

Mommy's day, mommy info

Mother's Day was yesterday. So I may be a day late. But it's better late then never, right? Being a mom for basically 13 years (My oldest will be 13 in 3 days!), and a mom to three kids in almost all walks in kiddom of life (2, 6 and 13). I feel like I have my fare share of kiddie info. So here it is. A small list for those moms to be and those moms of really young children. May my info give you a boost to call your Dr asap for a Xanax script.

- Spacing kids apart seems great in theory. But if you have an almost 7 year gap between girls, non the less. There will be issues. Like your oldest daughter's preteen attitude will surely rub off on your 5 year old. Which will make you want to punch yourself on a day to day basis.

- If the girl to boy ratio run 2:1. Plan on your son to be dressed as a girl often. Figure he will pick up on how to properly put on lip gloss, will walk in girl's shoes, get upset when you touch his "hair cut" and would rather watch a girly dancing music video then Transformers. He will probably walk better in heals at 3 then you can at 30.This is just how things work. Sorry.

-  Sometimes girls will be more like boys and vise versa. My girls have always loved bugs. My son will scream bloody murder when an ant is within 3 feet of him. Sometimes I wonder who the boys are in my family. Because my son and my guy are not quite manly.

- Make sure your locks work on your bathroom door. Mine doesn't. So when I shower at a time other then midnight. I can guarantee a kid will make it's way in my bathroom. And if they are 3 and under. You can 100% guarantee one of those kids will enter the bathroom completely naked to join you in the shower. Just let them join. If not be sure to understand that the consequences will be screaming and the shower door opened a thousand times.

- Don't tell your kids broccoli is trees and green beans are snakes. You will scar your kids for life.

- Teach your kids compliments are great... to a certain point. As my son will compliment you on the most awkward things. "Nice pants", "Nice finger, mom", "Nice boobs".. Yeah he says that and it's so weird when your in pubic.

- Teach your girls if a boy can do it, you can do it. I hate and I mean HATE when people label things as a "Boy sport" or a " Girl thing". If my son wants to dance, he should be able to . There are thousands of awesome male dancers out there.. MJ being one of them. Just imagine if there was no Moon Walk. This would be a sad, sad world.

- Some of you may not agree with this. But this is my list not yours. So Nahhhh. If your curious kid asks you some serious questions that you weren't prepared to answer for along time, just answer them. You have no idea what kids now a days know, or try to figure out. You'd much rather have them hear it from you rather then their peers. Trust me on this. My oldest thought a tampon was to plug your ass in case of explosive diarrah. Dead serious.

- Your bed will become theirs if you don't nip it in the butt asap. Not kidding. My son sleeps in my bed and my middle daughter sneaks in there in the middle of the night. Hence why my bed is my couch. It's ridiculous and uncomfortable at the same time. So nip it as soon as you can. And can you believe there are times my kids will sneak on the couch with me in the middle of the night. I'll wake up to feet in my face often. These children are sort of insane.

- Your kids will get naked a lot. Leave em. It saves on laundry.

- Oh were you going to eat that? Guess what? Not now. Your kids will pick at whatever your eating. So plan on becoming anorexic.

So there you have it. Some of my parenting tidbits. These are all true. And these all have happened to me. I have lots more but that's another post all together. Enjoy your children. They will make you mad, drive you nuts, make you cry, cause high blood pressure, give you anxiety, make you laugh till you pee and make you feel like the most special person in the world. Which makes up for all the crazy shit they put us through.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I have crushes on the weirdest people.

Soooo... I just realized I have a crush on Carl Parker. Whose Carl Parker you ask? He is this cute meteorologist on The Weather Channel. I have this slight obsession with watching it. On a day to day basis, I may turn it on once at night just to get an update. But when there is some crazy storm coming. Best believe that channel is on non-stop until whatever shit brigade passes.

"Hey there, your house might blow away, but I'm kinda hot, so it's ok"
Just imagine when your freaking out over some blown out of proportion storm and then some eye candy comes on to give you the details. He turns my panic level down a few notches with his weathery jargon. He could tell me that an F5 tornado is on it's way. And I'll still be sitting there doodling Samantha Marie Parker and Carl and Samantha 4-eva in cute little hearts. Just because his baby blues draw me in..... And I'm that juvenile. Don't get judgy people. You'd do the same.

Trust me.. I'm a doctor!

It never fails. Any time I hurt myself or it looks like I have a "boo boo". My son is to the rescue.

Me: Ouch! Damnit!

Boy: Wus wrong mommy? You gots a boo boo.

Me: Yes Bubbie (His nick name). Mommy's ok.

Boy: No! You need a dot-tor. I fiss the boo boo, mommy.

(Bubbie will come over find my boo boo and kiss it)

Me: Thank you. It feels much better.

Boy: Welcome mommy. I fiss the boo boo because I am a dot-tor.

(Bubbie leaves and comes back with a plastic butter knife)

Boy: Otay mommy. Time to cut it off.

Well that escalated quickly...

Friday, May 3, 2013

Early boob training is key!

My six year old gets of the bus yesterday and she's giggiling her little tush off. Once we're in the house she rips her back pack off, and tosses it like she was in some sort of cow dung flinging contest. Rips her jean jacket off. Which I'm certain has now become a vest. To then start jumping around like a pixi stick-snorting midget. Of course I had to find out what the hell was lighting the fire under her ass.

6 year old: *Tee hee*  *Heeee teee* *Ahhhh yeee teeeeeeee ahhhhhhhh*

Me: Holy crap! Wth is wrong with you? Did someone pass you crack juice?

6 year old: Uhh if the juice had a crack it would have spilt and I would NOT have drank it cause it'd be on the floor. Uh duhhh.

Me: Touche. Now what's up with you?

6 year old: *snort* I *haha* did something you didn't see this morning. And... And... I am A-mazing!

Me: Oh god what did you do?

6 year old: *Lifts up her shirt* Looky here mom! *Snort* *Hehe* I got me a bra and wore it to school and you didn't see it *aaahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahhhhhhha*

Me: Oh-My-God! Where did you get that? When the hell did you put that on? And how the hell did you put it on?

6 year old: You went potty and I went in sis's cabinet and there it was, in all it's bra-ness (Yes' she used bra-ness) a trainers bra. To train my boobay's not to be to my knees.

Me: *snort* Uh sweetie.... You don't have boobs. Plus your not a 80 year old woman. Saggy boobs is something you don't need to worry about. Now please take that off, your way to young for that. And your father might have a slight heart attack.

6 year old: I look sex-aaaaaaaay, Mom. Don't hate, preestickapate.

Me: Paricipate! And stop talking to your sister. Your picking up on her odd teen antics. And once again take that bra off. You can have it back in 5 years.

So there you have it. My 6 year old decided it was a good idea to start early and train her nonexisiting boobs. Atleast she knows that early prevention is key.

Now I must put a lock on my bras and thongs. Who knows what she will do next.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Gak and Placentas

Gak.. The shit that destroys your hair and smells like balls.
 So do you guys remember this stuff? I use to have it when I was a kid, along with Floam. All these things were, were gooey weird shit to squish around. This useless crap went away for awhile. But out of know where, someone decided it was time for a come back. (Insert that line from Mama's gonna knock you out. "Don't call it a come back")

Here it is!
Squishy shit! Now available in Tickled pink"
Like I said' I had this crap as a kid. I use to put it by my nostrils and act like it was the worlds largest booger. I squished it in its awkward container to create fart noises. Eventually it would collect so much random particles of crap. I'd have to toss it. Now' if I had this goo today. I couldn't help but wonder if playing with Gak, is what playing with a placenta would be like. Like seriously guys' you don't think that just maybe that squishy, smelly shit, just might be what your OB  has to deal with when you deliver your spawn? I'm pretty sure it is. And maybe in medical school. Teacher's give out Gak to students to get the feel of placenta. That's kinda gross. But I'm thinking I might be right. Yeah' I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Gak- The toy that mimics placentas world wide. Now in stores every where.

Support vaginas!

                                                   * I'm glad this man supports my vagina*

Yes' you read it correctly. This man loves vaginas! And with the ribbon it's on, it shows he support them too! I wonder if this wonderful magnet is for all the fallen vagina's out there. Or maybe he's a gyno. Either way his love and support for vaginas is strong. Strong enough that I had no other choice then to document his love for our "land down unders". And to show it to other vagina lovers and owners out there. To show us not to be ashamed, and to put our love on our cars. Because apparently that's the right thing to do. Take it from this guy! Whose ribbon not only says he loves vaginas, but it even shows one in a G-string with hooker straps. Gotta love it.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

It's a girl! Now heres your manual. Good luck!

Like clockwork, as soon as my girls return home from school, the drama starts. And I immediately wish I had some Xanax and a bottle of Grey Goose.

"MOMM! Girl 2 pinched me for eating Ramen noodles!"

"MOOOOOOMMMMM!!! Girl 1 ate the last Ramen noodles because she has a fat butt"

"MOOOOOOM!! Girl 2 said I have a fat butt. She is such a brat"

"MOOOOOOOMMMM! Girl 1 called me a brat. Mom tell her to go away and stop eating all the Ramen noodles" Whispers to Girl 1 "Fat butt"


My ears are bleeding already over this scenario. Because seriously it sucks that much. See' there are a few problems with this "made up" conversation (Even though it has and does happen).

1. Wtf is with the Ramen obsession? Really? Eat an apple and call it a day.

2. Frankie' I understand is legitly hungry. Her lunch period in school is at the ass crack of 10:10. So the poor (But plump) child has to go until 3 living off her own body fat. Girl 1 is just lazy and doesn't eat in school. So that's her own problem. If she ate in school, the Ramen fight would never occur.

3. Even though I wrote "Fat butt". Odds are the words out of my 6 year olds mouth were probably  "Fat ass". She sneaks in it there, here and there to impress her almost 13 year old sister. But she knows not to use those words around me or I will break her 7 different ways till Sunday.

This fighting happens every damn school day. As soon as they walk through the door, you need to go and put in the ear plugs or grab your passport to Taiwan and slam the door on your way out. Girls are a "special" breed. It is embedded in their DNA to be whiny, bitchy, annoying, talkative and completely "Sandra Burnhart-esque". Someone should really make a manual to hand out to parents of females.

"Congratulations It's a girl! Here's is your "War and Peace" sized manual on females, a life time prescription of Xanax, coupons for hair dye for all those soon to be greys and masking tape just in case you can't take their mouth anymore. You can resort to taping their mouth"

That is exactly what doctors should do as soon as a va-jay-jay pops out our your va-jay-jay. Because boys are no where near as hard. My son is awesome and slightly suicidal. But I guess all toddlers are. Climbing the entertainment center, unlocking the dead bolts to sneak outside, jumping off the couch into a tiny bucket. Not sure if this is just a natural boy thing or if my son is practicing to be on the future Jackass. Either way he has more bumps and bruises then a crack ho. But is a lot less bitchy and whiny then my girls.

I love all my kids dearly. But my girls really make me want to admit myself, sometimes. Hmm' maybe doctors should give moms a month in a pysch-ward too. I am going to address my OB on this goody bag we should be getting.