Wednesday, April 17, 2013

It's a girl! Now heres your manual. Good luck!

Like clockwork, as soon as my girls return home from school, the drama starts. And I immediately wish I had some Xanax and a bottle of Grey Goose.

"MOMM! Girl 2 pinched me for eating Ramen noodles!"

"MOOOOOOMMMMM!!! Girl 1 ate the last Ramen noodles because she has a fat butt"

"MOOOOOOM!! Girl 2 said I have a fat butt. She is such a brat"

"MOOOOOOOMMMM! Girl 1 called me a brat. Mom tell her to go away and stop eating all the Ramen noodles" Whispers to Girl 1 "Fat butt"


My ears are bleeding already over this scenario. Because seriously it sucks that much. See' there are a few problems with this "made up" conversation (Even though it has and does happen).

1. Wtf is with the Ramen obsession? Really? Eat an apple and call it a day.

2. Frankie' I understand is legitly hungry. Her lunch period in school is at the ass crack of 10:10. So the poor (But plump) child has to go until 3 living off her own body fat. Girl 1 is just lazy and doesn't eat in school. So that's her own problem. If she ate in school, the Ramen fight would never occur.

3. Even though I wrote "Fat butt". Odds are the words out of my 6 year olds mouth were probably  "Fat ass". She sneaks in it there, here and there to impress her almost 13 year old sister. But she knows not to use those words around me or I will break her 7 different ways till Sunday.

This fighting happens every damn school day. As soon as they walk through the door, you need to go and put in the ear plugs or grab your passport to Taiwan and slam the door on your way out. Girls are a "special" breed. It is embedded in their DNA to be whiny, bitchy, annoying, talkative and completely "Sandra Burnhart-esque". Someone should really make a manual to hand out to parents of females.

"Congratulations It's a girl! Here's is your "War and Peace" sized manual on females, a life time prescription of Xanax, coupons for hair dye for all those soon to be greys and masking tape just in case you can't take their mouth anymore. You can resort to taping their mouth"

That is exactly what doctors should do as soon as a va-jay-jay pops out our your va-jay-jay. Because boys are no where near as hard. My son is awesome and slightly suicidal. But I guess all toddlers are. Climbing the entertainment center, unlocking the dead bolts to sneak outside, jumping off the couch into a tiny bucket. Not sure if this is just a natural boy thing or if my son is practicing to be on the future Jackass. Either way he has more bumps and bruises then a crack ho. But is a lot less bitchy and whiny then my girls.

I love all my kids dearly. But my girls really make me want to admit myself, sometimes. Hmm' maybe doctors should give moms a month in a pysch-ward too. I am going to address my OB on this goody bag we should be getting.

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