Sunday, April 21, 2013

Gak and Placentas

Gak.. The shit that destroys your hair and smells like balls.
 So do you guys remember this stuff? I use to have it when I was a kid, along with Floam. All these things were, were gooey weird shit to squish around. This useless crap went away for awhile. But out of know where, someone decided it was time for a come back. (Insert that line from Mama's gonna knock you out. "Don't call it a come back")

Here it is!
Squishy shit! Now available in Tickled pink"
Like I said' I had this crap as a kid. I use to put it by my nostrils and act like it was the worlds largest booger. I squished it in its awkward container to create fart noises. Eventually it would collect so much random particles of crap. I'd have to toss it. Now' if I had this goo today. I couldn't help but wonder if playing with Gak, is what playing with a placenta would be like. Like seriously guys' you don't think that just maybe that squishy, smelly shit, just might be what your OB  has to deal with when you deliver your spawn? I'm pretty sure it is. And maybe in medical school. Teacher's give out Gak to students to get the feel of placenta. That's kinda gross. But I'm thinking I might be right. Yeah' I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Gak- The toy that mimics placentas world wide. Now in stores every where.

Support vaginas!

                                                   * I'm glad this man supports my vagina*

Yes' you read it correctly. This man loves vaginas! And with the ribbon it's on, it shows he support them too! I wonder if this wonderful magnet is for all the fallen vagina's out there. Or maybe he's a gyno. Either way his love and support for vaginas is strong. Strong enough that I had no other choice then to document his love for our "land down unders". And to show it to other vagina lovers and owners out there. To show us not to be ashamed, and to put our love on our cars. Because apparently that's the right thing to do. Take it from this guy! Whose ribbon not only says he loves vaginas, but it even shows one in a G-string with hooker straps. Gotta love it.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

It's a girl! Now heres your manual. Good luck!

Like clockwork, as soon as my girls return home from school, the drama starts. And I immediately wish I had some Xanax and a bottle of Grey Goose.

"MOMM! Girl 2 pinched me for eating Ramen noodles!"

"MOOOOOOMMMMM!!! Girl 1 ate the last Ramen noodles because she has a fat butt"

"MOOOOOOM!! Girl 2 said I have a fat butt. She is such a brat"

"MOOOOOOOMMMM! Girl 1 called me a brat. Mom tell her to go away and stop eating all the Ramen noodles" Whispers to Girl 1 "Fat butt"


My ears are bleeding already over this scenario. Because seriously it sucks that much. See' there are a few problems with this "made up" conversation (Even though it has and does happen).

1. Wtf is with the Ramen obsession? Really? Eat an apple and call it a day.

2. Frankie' I understand is legitly hungry. Her lunch period in school is at the ass crack of 10:10. So the poor (But plump) child has to go until 3 living off her own body fat. Girl 1 is just lazy and doesn't eat in school. So that's her own problem. If she ate in school, the Ramen fight would never occur.

3. Even though I wrote "Fat butt". Odds are the words out of my 6 year olds mouth were probably  "Fat ass". She sneaks in it there, here and there to impress her almost 13 year old sister. But she knows not to use those words around me or I will break her 7 different ways till Sunday.

This fighting happens every damn school day. As soon as they walk through the door, you need to go and put in the ear plugs or grab your passport to Taiwan and slam the door on your way out. Girls are a "special" breed. It is embedded in their DNA to be whiny, bitchy, annoying, talkative and completely "Sandra Burnhart-esque". Someone should really make a manual to hand out to parents of females.

"Congratulations It's a girl! Here's is your "War and Peace" sized manual on females, a life time prescription of Xanax, coupons for hair dye for all those soon to be greys and masking tape just in case you can't take their mouth anymore. You can resort to taping their mouth"

That is exactly what doctors should do as soon as a va-jay-jay pops out our your va-jay-jay. Because boys are no where near as hard. My son is awesome and slightly suicidal. But I guess all toddlers are. Climbing the entertainment center, unlocking the dead bolts to sneak outside, jumping off the couch into a tiny bucket. Not sure if this is just a natural boy thing or if my son is practicing to be on the future Jackass. Either way he has more bumps and bruises then a crack ho. But is a lot less bitchy and whiny then my girls.

I love all my kids dearly. But my girls really make me want to admit myself, sometimes. Hmm' maybe doctors should give moms a month in a pysch-ward too. I am going to address my OB on this goody bag we should be getting.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

YAY!!!...... Kinda.

Well I got an email from my real estate agent saying the seller accepted our offer on the home (Shit was full price.. Pshh). Either way I adore this home, I really do. I think it will be worth every penny. All the memories, parties and fighting the will go on in this home are priceless :).

Next up is the home inspection and speaking with my mortgage broker. Wish me even more luck. God only knows the shit that can come up now.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

I am a Craft whore .Not to be mistaken with Crack whore.

I can not WAIT to actually own a home. I am totally foaming out the mouth over all the DYI things I get to do and all the room planning I get to do as well.

I have a SMASH book already dedicated to my madness. And I am now adding lists upon lists of everything I want to do. Looks like anyone that reads my blog (Just myself) will get an overdose of DIM (Do it myself) crafty whoreness. I am sooooooooooo excited!!!!

My ADHD will be in full gear with all the shit I will be bouncing back and forth with. And my graphic designing will be put to awesome use with all the wall art I will be making. YAY!



Ok let me get back to my madness.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

First home. Please kill me now.

Searching for a home is worse then getting a pap smear.... Like for real! I think it's an even worse process for woman then it is for men. Women like all things pretty. So it can be crazy easy for us to fall in love with a house.

Me and the guy have been searching for our first home. This should be an exciting experience, but it's not. I'll love a house and find it completely within our needs, where as the guy will focus on his man cave and what other men say about it. Which pisses me off! This is OUR house not theirs. What they say doesn't matter. They have their own houses to worry about, why put their two cents in a piggy bank that doesn't accept foreign money, you know?

I'm obviously writing this out anger and I have every right too. The guy and I found a house that is absolutely perfect for us and our family. But ofcorse the guy has to ask other men what they think. Which annoyed the hell out of me. These other guys are not paying the bills nor or they living in it. If you have questions about the boiler, plumbing etc. I completely understand asking other men that have knowledge in these things. But when it comes to anything else like how much it is and the size and whatever. their opinions are not needed. They don't have our family, our needs or our situations. I am so, so very mad at the fact that now, the guy is not so into this house. Because apparently it doesn't have enough storage. Ummmmmm' this house has a full basement apartment with a large laundry room and a utility room with storage. It has a converted garage, that if the guy didn't need his freakin man cave (Which he does not need) is more then plenty of storage. It also has a shed, a downstairs large office room and 5 bedrooms in which we only need 4. So please explain to me where "Not enough storage" comes into play. Oh did I mention that it has a ginormous backyard that we could easily have a pool, basketball court, play ground,3 large sheds and a mini circus and still have enough room? Yeah' well it does!.  So you can see where my frustration comes in.

I want this house. I don't want to look anymore, because seriously it gets annoying. I want my own home already. I want this house for my kids to grow up in and create their memories and messes in. I want to decorate like a crazy adhd person would. I want it all and I want it before someone swoops in and steals my home. Because in my mind, it's mine already. Like no joke' I already have a SMASH book going with all my decorating ideas , colors, purposes for rooms and starting to draw out furniture layouts (yes I'm kinda crazy).

So please people whose opinions don't matter about my "storage", STFU! It's my damn house and it's going to plenty pretty and storagable (Not a word, don't care) when it's in my possession. Wish me luck people, I sure as hell need it.